I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
