so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
