Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
