You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
