Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
