He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
