Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
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Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
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And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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