do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
