so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
