Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
