My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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