Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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