if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
