why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
