I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
