i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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