If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
there's paper in my vomit.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
