I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
