apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
