omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
