I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
