I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wish i was in the wii world.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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