Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I wish there were birth control emojis
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Randomize
