Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
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Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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