dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
