I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
