Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
