I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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