True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
