No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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