someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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