the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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