last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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