Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
