I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I need to align my fucking chakras
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
