I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
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