you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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