i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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