My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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