Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
