i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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