I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
