I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
that is very illegal...i love you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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