I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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