i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
