She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
