Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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