I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She needs sedatives and a leash
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
