3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
