True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
nutella sex= disaster
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
