it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
