and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
