Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
