your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
