I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
