All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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