Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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