After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
