Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he laminated a picture of his dick.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
