hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
