While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She bit a glass in half.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
