That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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