I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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