Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
