She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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